LISA'S KITTY KORNER HUMOR PAGE
all submitted by Lisa A. Reynolds unless otherwise noted.
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new homepage:
http://www.feline.com/.
Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange
aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog."
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scentto
it.
You keep finding new software around your house like Cat in Tax
and WarCat II.
On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN :
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door
opened, standon hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened,
it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If
you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as
long as the human's barefoot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary
to do anything -just sit and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is
engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy
one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as
"hampering".
Following
are the rules for"hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind
the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book
readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you
can lie across the book itself. c) Forknitting projects or paperwork, lie
on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most importantpart. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencilor knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore
it. Remember,the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint
projects make greathammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d)
For people payingbills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to hamper!
First,
sit on thepaper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side
of thetable. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scatteringthem to the best of your ability. After being removed for the
second time,push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When ahuman is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be e) When a
humanis holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the
backof the paper. They love to jump.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart
quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on
stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move
around.
CAT LOVER'S CHRISTMAS :
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined
for me.......A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to
grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara
climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture
and,suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups
offlour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it
wouldhave been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the
hairs,and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of
Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who
knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages:
$28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55
X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a
heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in
slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13 ornaments on
my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to
the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom
while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know she was
actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? $ 7.50 plus
tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in
my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox
nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten
scratched for me.... .The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an
accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately,
she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of
a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the
charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according
to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers
for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The presents beneath my
Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at
a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking.
Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma
for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of
Christmas wrapping paper,$4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind
of bows Sara can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The
earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but
since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching
earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G
guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty
hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought
so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in.
After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have
been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday
season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at
the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel
guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for
me... My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete
key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/helpline: $17.50. And I still
don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote control from my 13-inch
TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the
power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my
all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful
Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners,great cats": $24.95.
Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with
kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK,So this one time it was my
fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words:
"Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did
my VISA card.
CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART :
Some people say cats never have to be bathed.They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like
most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes,
however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the
face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat
smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might
consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the
bathtub:-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe himin an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as
if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of
steel-meshgloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved
flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out
for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on
your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in
fashion as a rule.If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom,
speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the
bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip
the cat in the waterand squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 secondsof your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he
now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect
to hold onto him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you
have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo
and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried.
Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for
humans generally are wornout at this point and the cat is just getting
really determined. In fact,the drying is simple compared to what you have
just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed
to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for
your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do
is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and
dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and
will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will
be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he
is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for
life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he
smells a lot better.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS : submitted by Joan Conley ========================================
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... they must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!
CAT MIRACLE DIET : submitted by Joan Conley
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
by Peggy Althoff
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle it's head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bittle. Coo confidently, "e;That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into it's mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into it's mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and.... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with it's head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast, time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press it's mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Viola! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
EVERY THING I EVER NEEDED TO LEARN I LEARNED FROM MY CAT
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
When you have something important to say, try to say it in the dead of night when you're *sure* everyone's sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention you deserve.
THE TOP 12 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Fish: Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.