Discovered in a dusty archive by R. Holmes, Dec 2002.
Any dissimilarity to other mumming plays is purely coincidental.
The players may insert spontaneous ad libs, especially ones that have been carefully rehearsed.
Characters:
FATHER CHRISTMAS
KING GEORGE
BOLD SLASHER
DOCTOR
PARSON'S NOSE
(Enter FATHER CHRISTMAS.)
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
In comes I, old Father Christmas
Welcome, or welcome not
I hope that old Father Christmas will never be forgot
And if you'll give me leave to rhyme1
I'll bring you pleasure and pastime
I have been far, I have been near
And now I come to drink a pot of your Christmas beer
If it be a pot of the best
Then I hope in Heaven your soul may rest
But if it be a pot of your small
Well that's better than none at all2
As I went down to Cardiff town
To see the red deer, which run around
I saw bold Robin Hood and all his men
And with my staff all on my shoulder
I cleared them out again
With my one, two, and three,
I made them for to flee
Can any man do more than me?3
And if you do not believe what I say
Come in, King George, and clear the way4
(Enter KING GEORGE.)
KING GEORGE:
In comes I, King George this noble knight5
And with some mighty warrior I long to have a fight
No one could ever frighten me, for many I have slain
I've fought a hundred enemies, I'll fight them all again6
I fought the dragon and brought him to his slaughter
Twas thus I gained the King of Egypt's daughter
If anyone bids me stand7 I'll smack him small as dust
And send him to the cook shop to make apple pie crust8
And if you do not believe what I say
Come in, Bold Slasher, and clear the way
(Enter BOLD SLASHER.)
BOLD SLASHER:
In comes I, the Ethnic Knight9
And with King George I long to have a fight
First I fought in Germany, and then I fought in Spain
Now I'm come to Griffin Road to fight King George again10
I'm here to fight King George the bold,
And if his blood be hot, I will soon make it cold.11
KING GEORGE:
Large words, my friend, but I'm the match for thee
So now prepare to fight with me
Or else I'll slay you instantly
BOLD SLASHER:
Come on, my boy, I'll die before
I yield to you, or twenty more12
(They fight. KING GEORGE dies.)
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Oh Slasher, what have you done?
You've gone and killed my mother's only son!13
Call a doctor, for I dread
Bold Slasher has broke King George's head!
Call a doctor, it has come to pass
Bold Slasher has kicked King George's shin!
Oh is there a doctor to be found
To cure this deep and deadly wound?
To bring this man back to life,
I would pay a thousand pounds.14
(Enter DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR:
In comes I.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Are you a doctor?
DOCTOR:
How should I know?
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Answer me, now. Are you a doctor?
DOCTOR:
I am the finest doctor for miles around; indeed, the finest doctor in the state of Idaho.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
But this is New York.
DOCTOR:
I didn't say I was any good at geography.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Have you travelled far?
DOCTOR:
To Italy, Schmittaly, France, and Spain, to Hamilton and back again.15
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
And what can you cure?
DOCTOR:
I can cure the itch, the stitch, tennis elbow, gout. If there be twenty devils in, I can drive all sixteen out.16 I once cured a magpie of a toothache.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
How?
DOCTOR:
I cut off its head and threw it in a ditch. 17
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Can you cure this man?
DOCTOR:
What's wrong with him?
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
He's dead.18
DOCTOR:
Dead? I once cured my old nanny goat who had been dead two years, after which she lived three years more and bore six babies, and she never thanked me. 19
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Kids these days.
DOCTOR:
Where is he wounded?
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
In the head.
DOCTOR:
I'll just examine him.
(He examines KING GEORGE's abdomen.)
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
That's not his head, that's his navel.
DOCTOR:
That's OK, I'm a naval doctor.20 This man has obviously fallen up a flight of stairs and cut himself shaving.21 I'll have to operate. Does anyone have a saw?
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Have you no medicines that will cure him?
DOCTOR:
Indeed I do; I'd forgotten. In the inside outside top side bottom side corner of my waistcoat pocket22 I've got a little bottle called oakum-pokum pennyroyal.23 Unless it's elecampayne.24 Open up, King George, and I'll give you a dose.25
(He administers the medicine to KING GEORGE, who comes back to life and promptly kills BOLD SLASHER. DOCTOR gives medicine to BOLD SLASHER, who comes to life and promptly kills KING GEORGE. DOCTOR gives medicine to KING GEORGE, who comes back to life and promptly kills BOLD SLASHER. DOCTOR gives medicine to BOLD SLASHER, who is restrained from further massacre by FATHER CHRISTMAS.)
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Well done, sir! What do I owe you?
DOCTOR:
Ten dollars, but since you're an honest man, I'll make you a deal. Twenty dollars.26
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
That's not much of a deal.
DOCTOR:
He wasn't much of a patient.27
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
I'll not pay twenty dollars for a quack doctor.
DOCTOR:
Quack? Look at him, he's the picture of health.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Well, then, here's a picture of twenty dollars.28
KING GEORGE:
Good morning, gentlemen,
A-sleeping I have been,
I've had such a sleep as the like was never seen,
But now I am awake and alive unto this day,29
And if you do not believe what I say
Come in, good Nose, and clear the way
(Enter PARSON'S NOSE.)
PARSON'S NOSE:
In comes I, the Parson's Nose.30
(Exit PARSON'S NOSE.)
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Now gentlefolk, we've shown you the best of our pleasure
And we wish for you to bestow upon us a bit of treasure31
For now our play is over, we have no more to say
Just give us all a drop of beer and we'll be on our way32
Yes, now it's time for us to depart from your hall
So we wish you happy New Year and blessings on you all.
(The end.)
1
Christmas Play from Keynsham, Somerset, in "Two Variations of the Folk-play and a Further Account of the 'Old Hoss'", Journal of the English Folk Dance and Song Society (JEFDSS), V. 5 no. 2:
Enter Father Christmas.
In come I old Father Christmas, welcome or welcome not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot.
Please Sir to give me leave to rhyme,
2
The Symondsbury Mumming Play, JEFDSS, V. 7 no. 1:
[Jan:]
I've come to bring you pleasure and pastime
Before I go away.
I have been far: I have been near
And now I be come to drink a pot of your Christmas beer.
If it be a pot of the best
Then I hope in Heaven your soul may rest,
But if it be a pot of your small
Well that's better than none at all.
3 Keynsham, op. cit.:
[Father Christmas:]
As I walk down to Warwickshire
To view the red deer, which run here and there,
I saw bold Robin Hood,
And with my staff all on my shoulder
So soon I cleared the way.
With my one, two, and three,
I made them for to flee.
Any man do more than me?
4 The Soul Caker's Play from Guilden Sutton, Cheshire, in "Two Variations of the Folk-play and a Further Account of the 'Old Hoss'", Journal of the English Folk Dance and Song Society (JEFDSS), V. 5 no. 2:
[Father Christmas:]
If you don't believe these words I say,
Step in the Turkish Knight and clear the way
5 Keynsham, op. cit.:
Enter King George.
In comes I, King George this noble knight,
6 Symondsbury, op. cit.:
[St. George]
And with these mighty warriors I long to have a bout
No one could ever frighten me, for many have I slain
I long to fight, 'tis my delight to battle o'er again
7 English Folk Play, compiled by Sir Edmund Chambers "put together, as far as possible, from constantly recurring formulas...":
[St. George]
I fought the fiery dragon,
And drove him to the slaughter,
And by these means I won
The King of Egypt's daughter.
Show me the man that bids me stand;
8 Guilden Sutton, op. cit.:
[King George]
I'll lack him and smack him small as dust,
And send him to the cook shop
To make mince-pie crust.
9 Guilden Sutton, op. cit.:
Turkish Knight.
In steps I, the Turkish Knight
10 Symondsbury, op. cit.:
[Capt. Bluster:]
First I fought in Turkeyland, and then I fought in Spain
Now I'm come to England to fight St. George again.
11 Guilden Sutton, op. cit.:
Turkish Knight.
I'll fight you King George,
King George, the man of courage bold.
If your blood be hot
I'll very quickly make it cold.
12 Symondsbury, op. cit.:
St. Patrick
Large words, my worthy friend, from one such as you
St. George is here, likewise St. Patrick too
And he doth scorn such men as you
I'm the match for thee
So now prepare to fight with me
Or else I'll slay thee instantly.
Capt. Bluster:
Come on my boy, I'll die before
I yield to thee, or twenty more.
13 English Folk Play, op. cit.:
Presenter:
O cruel Christian, what hast thou done?
Thou hast wounded and slain my only son.
14 English Folk Play, op. cit.:
Presenter:
O, is there a doctor to be found
To cure this deep and deadly wound.
Doctor, doctor, where art thee?
My son is wounded to the knee.
Doctor, doctor, play thy part,
My son is wounded to the heart.
I would put down a thousand pound,
If there were a doctor to be found.
See also Trumansburg play.
15 English Folk Play, op. cit.:
Doctor:
Italy, Sicily, Germany, France and Spain,
Three times round the world and back again.
16 Bellerby (?) sword dance play, in "Some Fragments of Sword-Dance Plays", English Folk Dance Society's Journal, V. ? no. ?:
King:
Well done, doctor. What can thou cure, doctor?
Doctor:
Cure? I can cure the itch, the stitch, the ague, and the gout. If there be nineteen devils in, I can bring one-and-twenty out.
17 Kirtlington[?] mumming play, from "Notes on some Old-Fashioned English Customs: The Mummers", Folk-Lore Journal, V.4, No.2
Doctor Brown:
And what canst thou do?
Jack Finny:
Cure a magpie with the toothache.
Doctor Brown:
And how canst do that?
Jack Finny:
By cutting off his head and throwing his body in a ditch.
18 Syracuse mumming play, 1990 ("The War of Winds"):
[Marian]:
Can you help the king?
Doctor:
Why, what's wrong with him?
Marian:
He's dead.
19 Bellerby, op. cit.:
[Doctor:]
I once cured my old grandmother who had been dead two year, after which she lived three and brought forth two children.
20 Syracuse mumming play, 1990 ("The War of Winds"):
[Doctor:]
All right, all right, let me examine his head.
Marian:
That's not his head, that's his navel.
Doctor:
That's all right, I'm a naval doctor.
21 Bellerby, op. cit.:
Doctor:
How did this old queen happen her misfortune?
King:
She tumbled upstairs and broke her neck.
22 Guilden Sutton, op. cit.:
Doctor:
Oh Martha, Martha, I quite forgot
In my inside, outside, top side, bottom side
Corner of my waistcoat pocket
23 Bellerby, op. cit.:
[Doctor:]
... and I've got a little bottle in my pocket called oakum-pokum pennyroyal.
24 English Folk Play, op. cit.:
[Doctor:]
The stuff therein is elecampane;
25 Bellerby, op. cit.:
[Doctor:]
Open thy niff-naff and I'll let it down thy chiff-chaff.
26 Guilden Sutton, op. cit.:
Lady:
How much am I in thy debt?
Doctor:
Five pounds Martha, but seeing thou art an honest woman,
I'll only charge thee ten!
27 "Little Red Riding Hood", from Fractured Fairy Tales:
Red:
La la la la la la la la la.
Narrator:
That's not much of a song.
Red:
Well, I'm not much of a singer.
28 "The Greenslade Story or Winds Light to Variable", from The Goon Show:
Thynne:
We'd rather have it in cash, if you don't mind.
Seagoon:
Very well, here's a photograph of a pound.
29 Bellerby, op. cit.:
Bessie (sings, standing up):
Good morning gentlemen,
A-sleeping I have been,
I've had such a sleep
As the like was never seen.
But now I am awake
And alive unto this day:
30 Trumansburg Mumming Play:
Parson's Nose:
In comes I, the Parson's Nose,
In I comes... and out I goes.
31 Symondsbury, op. cit.:
Doctor:
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've shown you the best of our pleasure
And we wish for you to bestow upon us a little of your treasure.
32 "The Darby Ram":
And now our song is over, we have no more to say
Just give us eggs and brandy, and we'll be on our way
Last modified: Mon May 3 21:22:47 EDT 2004