Jokes

Here are some of the better joke that I have found. It's going to be a long hot summer. Smile and Enjoy!!!

Simpler Days
The Knob
Top 17 ways to tell if a Redneck Works on a Computer in your Office
Why Don't Big Planes Have Litttle Planes?
True Story
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS

At times I think back to the time when.....................

Decisions were made by going "eeny meeny miney mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double dog dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30 minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly oly oxen free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fierce protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up"

The Knob

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob wont get rid of them.

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

Top 17 ways to tell if a Redneck Works on a Computer in your Office

The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
The keyboard is camouflaged.
There is a Skoal can in the CDROM drive.
There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
The password is "Bubba."
The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
Jeff Foxworthy wavs.
The monitor is up on blocks.
Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
and the 17th way to tell if a Redneck Works on a Computer in your Office:

The six front keys have rotted out.

Why Don't Big Planes Have Litttle Planes?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked the young man, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. The flight attendant knelt down and whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your mother that it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."

True Story

The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her all night."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!"

DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS

MUST BE READ OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you gotta RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.